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Showing posts from January, 2020

it's a double edged sword...

Recently I was rereading blog posts and I was struck again by how terrible they are ?? I swear, sometimes I can be a good writer and this just isn't showcasing my best stuff. The ideas are jumbled and unclear, different posts contradict each other, and I repeat phrases and sentiments SO OFTEN. Apparently, I have a particular fondness for the phrase "it's a double-edged sword."

But I use this blog as a diary and as a writing exercise now, not a portfolio. And everyone knows diary entries are messy and hypocritical, because you feel different ways at different points in your life, even if that's just day to day. I don't edit anything on this blog once I post it. I feel that it's important to me to have a space that's purely stream-of-consciousness and spontaneous, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. The plan was to never even look at the posts again after I publish them, but what can I say? End-of-the-year reflection got the better of me, I g…

Remembering Tree Day

Since my niece and three nephews were very small we have held Tree Day at the beginning of December each year.  On this day I gift the children with their first Christmas present - a new decoration for the tree, then we decorate. As I had hoped it is something that the children have come to love dearly and to look forward to. Even though the two oldest are in their teens they still LOVE it.
I began Tree Day when there were only two little cousins who decorated the tree only as high as they could reach and we pretty much left it like that.  Each year the tree has been decorated higher and higher. 
There are four cousins now and two tower over me they've grown so much and I'm happy to say that the tree is decorated right to the top these days. Our red head gets his license this year and is such a beautiful calm soul.  Miss R turns 15 this year and is such a sweet heart.  Both she and her brother are on the Autism Spectrum as well as having other difficulties so both are in the sp…

Changing Landscapes

Your landscapes can change in a heartbeat. Mine did. Just over three years ago I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague....and then he left.  He didn't leave cleanly or kindly.  By the time his prolonged and chaotic departure was complete my landscape was a post nuclear waste zone and I had been smashed into a million pieces. To this day I am still trying to fit back together in some healthy way.

As a result of the situation and the destructive behaviour I was exposed to, I was eventually diagnosed with major depression and complex PTSD.  Depression is a strange landscape where you feel nothing and no longer have any connections to anything.  You feel completely disconnected from the people and things that you once loved and that gave you joy. It was an interesting state to observe and experience, but not a place you want to stay in.

Needing to find a way to support myself and my illness riddled body I looked for a new career away from teaching that wa…