Skip to main content

lost to the world he had known as a boy

Something I get told a lot is "You would be so pretty if you tried." What an interesting comment! Let's unpack that, shall we?

On the one hand, I get where it's coming from. Although I have always expressed myself through what I wear, beyond that, appearances didn't really matter much to me. In daily life, I genuinely don't think about the way I look very often. My body functions properly, it gets me where I need to be, I have no reason to ask it to be pretty on top of everything. I seldom wear makeup. I often can't be bothered to pluck my eyebrows (I genuinely like the way they look untamed). I don't go to the gym. So, for all intents and purposes, I don't necessarily try to be pretty. 

But it hasn't always been this way. I honestly don't know a person who hasn't had a turbulent, everlasting personal journey with self acceptance, and I'm no exception. Even though I know that people who make comments like this are probably in the throes of their own battle with self esteem, it's never really acceptable to comment on someone's appearance like that. Back when I did try to be pretty, remarks like that would really get to me, and I'd spend hours thinking about what else I could do. 

But in the end, you have to give yourself a break because society never will. I could work out at the gym and spend hours on my makeup or even go under the knife and there would still be something ugly about me in the eyes of someone else. Of course, there are some insecurities I can't get away from, and certain things I do for myself. I think a lot of people make assumptions about me based on my own personal style decisions and think that I am prejudiced against people that choose the opposite. But I would never judge someone else for wearing makeup, or getting in shape, or getting plastic surgery. We all gotta get through life our own way. 

I still don't really know how to react to that comment, or how they want me to react to that comment. Do I say thank you, and be grateful that I'm not one of the poor souls that could NEVER adhere to fascist beauty standards, even if they tried? Do I drop everything and promise to do all that's within my power to become beautiful? Do I ask about the process to becoming pretty? I think the only way to win is by walking away.

I've finally reached a point in my life where I've accepted my looks, and I'm no longer allowing myself to be sent into a tailspin based on the insults of people that don't matter. I'm aware that these photos may not be the most flattering of me, that this outfit is perhaps not suitable to my pear shaped body, but I felt good when these photos were taken, and that's really what I wanted to capture and remember.


Popular posts from this blog

Steps to healing and solastalgia.

It's quite amazing how your inner landscape changes after abuse and trauma.  Things that never used to bother me, or never even entered my awareness are now triggers sending off anxiety responses and distress.  The intensity of these varies and even though I am aware of them and have good protective strategies in place, frequently they go where they want to go as happens in trauma response.  Your hypothalamus hijacks your brain and off goes your heart rate, blood pressure, cognitive function etc.  If ever you find yourself in the company of someone with severe anxiety or experiencing a traumatic trigger please don't expect them to snap out of it or just get over it, the healing process doesn't work like that. They are not being dramatic or silly, nor is it something they have control over.  Be patient, help them to ease their anxiety and fear by using their senses.  Smelling the smells around them, feeling the breeze on their skin. Noticing the texture of their shirt, the …

a heart who's love is innocent

Lately I've been thinking about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I actually don't like the label of introvert, especially the way it's used nowadays online. People that I've encountered online who identify as introverts seem to have swell heads and think that wanting to be alone sometimes counts as a personality. Or they're incredibly misanthropic and think hating people will make them popular online. Obviously this is a generalization, and I'm sure there are some wonderful people in online introvert communities, I just never felt comfortable calling myself part of them, especially lately. I've also been questioning the usefulness of labels-- I think pretty much everyone has introverted and extroverted tendencies.

I am a pretty solitary person, though, and I've always been okay with that, until recently. In high school, I was hardly a party animal, but I had friends that I could go get coffee with and study with and make flower crowns…

lip gloss and cherry pop

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the ways in which my online persona differs from how I act in real life. I think that my demeanor is mostly the same-- I'd like to think that my online friends and my real life friends view me as a kind and intelligent cheese lover. I've met several online acquaintances in real life and they don't seem at all surprised by my mannerisms or anything. But, strangely, I think I'm more open and expressive online. It sounds strange to say "I'm more myself online than I am in real life," because, like most people, my digital life is heavily curated. But I do think that, as someone who suffers from social anxiety, the internet has allowed me to share my thoughts more freely without the intimidation of talking to someone face-to-face.

My (real-life) friend and I are starting a silly podcast-- it's mostly just us talking and we still don't know if we for sure want to make it public or just record conversations for ou…