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"It is not the strongest of species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."

I wasn't sure what to do as far as *~*visuals*~* for this post, so please enjoy this picture of my shelves.
I have had to delete a lot of posts recently not necessarily by choice. Polyvore being bought out came as a bit of a shock; most of my posts were Polyvore sets and I was essentially forced to delete them. At first I took it in stride, but then it sort of hit me what I'd done Although I hadn't been on there in ages, I had forged a lot of friendships on Polyvore and made a lot of work that I was actually pretty fond of. It was one of the few creative outlets I had during a really tough time, and completely erasing every trace of that (even if I had to) felt like disowning that time in my life. That said, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Perhaps it's time to cut the digital ties to the person I once was.

I'm organizing an exhibition at a local museum, and the last exhibition I did at that particular museum was a physical manifestation of an online museum I had, The Museum of Middle School. I created the museum when I was actually in middle school and I realized that most of the decisions I was making were based off of whether or not my future self would approve of them, which was not a great line of inquiry. I was terrified that future me would be embarrassed by who I was, and I'm glad that I realized how ridiculous it is to be self aware to that extent, and learned to live in the present. The museum was meant to help others reach the same epiphany I did.

In the interest of not doing a disservice to my past self, however, in the years that followed, I made an effort to keep the girl that I was alive, in the form of blog posts and other obscure internet ephemera. For some reason it became incredibly important to me to save all aspects of my internet presence, to stake my claim as an online creator from a tender age. Recently, after the Polyvore debacle, I questioned what it was that I was trying to prove by keeping up blurry photos of stationary I took when I wasn't even a teenager yet. I think it was mostly for other people, unfortunately. I started this blog sort of with the intent of being a wunderkind, and I never got over seeking that approval. I hoped that someday when I did make it (even if it wasn't at a young age that I achieved success), people would notice that I'd been at this for awhile, and finally give the 12 year old girl that started this blog the recognition she deserves.

Books I've been reading lately that remind me of change, the past, and moving on.

But I've stopped chasing that validity, that success. I create without incentive, because my joy and purpose come from creating. The entire foundations I built this blog on are no longer present in my character (aside from perhaps an appreciation for the weird and wonderful, and a strong belief in individuality). Even this blog's namesake doesn't really fit me anymore. I'm not a tweener anymore. I'm hardly a teenager. At 18, I'm technically an adult. And as sad and uncomfortable it is to admit, it's time I acknowledge that and get used to it. It's strange being on the internet from such a young age. It's like a stranger wrote the older posts on this blog, but that stranger is a part of you, and you're desperately trying to remember who you were and what you were doing. My post ("Avant Garde") that's supposed to serve as my personal statement doesn't feel completely true to myself anymore. I still love things classified as "avant garde," but the word means something different to me now. I used to cling to my differences for comfort, but now I think I cling to what's the same between me and my fellow man in times of need. Even at the time of writing that post I'm not sure I entirely meant what I was saying, or alluding to. I think I used this elitist persona as a coping mechanism, because loving things is scary, and I loved people. But I learned it's so much more valuable to me to be empathetic.

I'm not going to disown the braceface with big dreams that got this whole mess going in the first place. She's in the past, and as I wrote in The Museum of Middle School "Your past is still your possession. It is as much a part of you as blood and bone." But she's still in the past and I can't bring her back to the present. At this point I'm so used to being the cynical hipster, girl in the back of class making fun of everyone that it's hard to adjust and leave those sides of myself behind. I'm struggling to find my voice again. I'm not sure yet what that means in regards to this blog. Maybe the name will change, maybe you'll see some posts get deleted, but I definitely want to continue using this as a place to share my interests and passions and creations; however, I want to do it right this time. I want it to be more unified, and I only want to post things that I'm completely proud of. And I'm in it for myself this time. The interviews I've been posting recently are actually some of my best work in my opinion. I've started to explore why I like things (as opposed to why I dislike them), which I think used to scare me. Sorry if the questions seem repetitious or obvious; bear with me as I find my footing.

But I can face my fears now. Change was my biggest fear but I'm starting to embrace it wholeheartedly and healthily because otherwise I could not survive.


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