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a heart who's love is innocent

Lately I've been thinking about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I actually don't like the label of introvert, especially the way it's used nowadays online. People that I've encountered online who identify as introverts seem to have swell heads and think that wanting to be alone sometimes counts as a personality. Or they're incredibly misanthropic and think hating people will make them popular online. Obviously this is a generalization, and I'm sure there are some wonderful people in online introvert communities, I just never felt comfortable calling myself part of them, especially lately. I've also been questioning the usefulness of labels-- I think pretty much everyone has introverted and extroverted tendencies.

I am a pretty solitary person, though, and I've always been okay with that, until recently. In high school, I was hardly a party animal, but I had friends that I could go get coffee with and study with and make flower crowns…
Recent posts

Steps to healing and solastalgia.

It's quite amazing how your inner landscape changes after abuse and trauma.  Things that never used to bother me, or never even entered my awareness are now triggers sending off anxiety responses and distress.  The intensity of these varies and even though I am aware of them and have good protective strategies in place, frequently they go where they want to go as happens in trauma response.  Your hypothalamus hijacks your brain and off goes your heart rate, blood pressure, cognitive function etc.  If ever you find yourself in the company of someone with severe anxiety or experiencing a traumatic trigger please don't expect them to snap out of it or just get over it, the healing process doesn't work like that. They are not being dramatic or silly, nor is it something they have control over.  Be patient, help them to ease their anxiety and fear by using their senses.  Smelling the smells around them, feeling the breeze on their skin. Noticing the texture of their shirt, the …

lip gloss and cherry pop

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the ways in which my online persona differs from how I act in real life. I think that my demeanor is mostly the same-- I'd like to think that my online friends and my real life friends view me as a kind and intelligent cheese lover. I've met several online acquaintances in real life and they don't seem at all surprised by my mannerisms or anything. But, strangely, I think I'm more open and expressive online. It sounds strange to say "I'm more myself online than I am in real life," because, like most people, my digital life is heavily curated. But I do think that, as someone who suffers from social anxiety, the internet has allowed me to share my thoughts more freely without the intimidation of talking to someone face-to-face.

My (real-life) friend and I are starting a silly podcast-- it's mostly just us talking and we still don't know if we for sure want to make it public or just record conversations for ou…

it's a double edged sword...

Recently I was rereading blog posts and I was struck again by how terrible they are ?? I swear, sometimes I can be a good writer and this just isn't showcasing my best stuff. The ideas are jumbled and unclear, different posts contradict each other, and I repeat phrases and sentiments SO OFTEN. Apparently, I have a particular fondness for the phrase "it's a double-edged sword."

But I use this blog as a diary and as a writing exercise now, not a portfolio. And everyone knows diary entries are messy and hypocritical, because you feel different ways at different points in your life, even if that's just day to day. I don't edit anything on this blog once I post it. I feel that it's important to me to have a space that's purely stream-of-consciousness and spontaneous, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. The plan was to never even look at the posts again after I publish them, but what can I say? End-of-the-year reflection got the better of me, I g…

Remembering Tree Day

Since my niece and three nephews were very small we have held Tree Day at the beginning of December each year.  On this day I gift the children with their first Christmas present - a new decoration for the tree, then we decorate. As I had hoped it is something that the children have come to love dearly and to look forward to. Even though the two oldest are in their teens they still LOVE it.
I began Tree Day when there were only two little cousins who decorated the tree only as high as they could reach and we pretty much left it like that.  Each year the tree has been decorated higher and higher. 
There are four cousins now and two tower over me they've grown so much and I'm happy to say that the tree is decorated right to the top these days. Our red head gets his license this year and is such a beautiful calm soul.  Miss R turns 15 this year and is such a sweet heart.  Both she and her brother are on the Autism Spectrum as well as having other difficulties so both are in the sp…

Changing Landscapes

Your landscapes can change in a heartbeat. Mine did. Just over three years ago I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague....and then he left.  He didn't leave cleanly or kindly.  By the time his prolonged and chaotic departure was complete my landscape was a post nuclear waste zone and I had been smashed into a million pieces. To this day I am still trying to fit back together in some healthy way.

As a result of the situation and the destructive behaviour I was exposed to, I was eventually diagnosed with major depression and complex PTSD.  Depression is a strange landscape where you feel nothing and no longer have any connections to anything.  You feel completely disconnected from the people and things that you once loved and that gave you joy. It was an interesting state to observe and experience, but not a place you want to stay in.

Needing to find a way to support myself and my illness riddled body I looked for a new career away from teaching that wa…

it gives a lovely light

I think one of the hardest things about going into a creative field is the fact that you're not guaranteed success. Sure, you need to work hard and make connections and be original and insightful etc, but you can do all that and it still might not work out.

I've gotten pretty tired of successful writers, journalists, and creatives talking about how hard you need to work in order to get where they are, without realizing how lucky they are. Going into this industry is scary, and empty encouragement from people who have already made it doesn't bring me much comfort. 

I've decided the trick is to be attached to the craft of writing itself, and not so much the identity, or the idea that it's your occupation. That's what I tell myself. Because, that way, if I have to be an insurance salesman or something, everything will be alright as long as I still have time to write.

I honestly can't picture myself ever not writing, and I'm not just saying that to sound prete…